


Twenty one shades of Dun

by BloodyMizz



Category: Twenty One Pilots, dun - Fandom, joseph - Fandom, josh - Fandom, joshdun - Fandom, joshuadun - Fandom, top - Fandom, twentyonepilots, tyler - Fandom, tylerjoseph - Fandom, tøp
Genre: F/M, Fanart, Fandom, Hot, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyMizz/pseuds/BloodyMizz





	1. Chapter 1

The sun touched my hair and I felt my skin warming up. The wall behind me wasn't as cold as it was yesterday night. I still tried to keep my eyes closed and heard a silent "mmmmhhh" releasing from me. The air i breathed in was cold and I realized the cold breeze running through which gave me a cold shudder. I opened my eyes quickly, blinking often to accustom them to the bright light. I heard people walking around, footsteps and speaking. For a moment I thought 'where the fuck am I??' Then I realized again. 

I yawned and stretched my body than packed my stuff which just laid around everywhere. Luckily nothing got stolen during the night. Not that there was much to steal. I rolled the blanket up and packed that fluffy roll in my small bag. Again I thought about how thankful I was for xxblurrygirl to hand me the blanket for my journey. As I got up I felt the pain in my back. I definitely needed a soft bed. Luckily the ground got warmed from the morning sun. Not that it was warm. It were just ... not as cold as it is were during the night.   
I looked around, realizing the garbage-container where the bad smell came from. I hadn't seen it yesterday when I got here but the restaurant behind me hadn't thrown any new trash in that so it just smelled old. I walked out of the small floor between the restaurant and a small coffee shop where I had slept. 

People were walking by, discussing, talking. I looked at a few of them for some time, watching them and realizing again: I was in the untitled states. I were one step closer to what I wanted to reach. But not near enough yet. The goal wasn't far but still I needed only a few steps, a few chances. 

I barely understood a few sentences from strangers I watched. But still this language was too hard for me to understand when people were talking too fast. Not that I didn't knew English. It were just so different to hear this in person and not listening to some people in the tv and of course all the background voices - the loud cars, screaming kids, laughter. 

Being child here had always been what I imagined to be a real childhood. Not what i had lived in Germany. Being child until I were about 9 years old when I needed to grow up because my parents divorced and life changed quickly, too quickly for me. When I began to scarify my arms and the thoughts about Suizide came by. When depressions dragged me down again and again.   
And of course when I needed to be strong when my grand cousin committed suicide and i need to be there for my mother. All the times she cried from a moment of nothing. All the times I cried. Every moment we missed him. The funeral.   
The time when my brother wanted to kill him self. When he told me. How we hugged for the first time in our lives.   
When my boyfriend punched me in the face, when he grabbed my throat, pulled me up and threw me through the room. When I got raped.   
All of that when I were just too small, too young for that. I needed to be strong. And all of that just killed me inside even more.   
I never had friends whom I could've talked to. No one to trust.   
I had always been alone. Somehow. 

I felt the hole in my stomach getting bigger and bigger. When was the last time I ate something? Was it the day before yesterday? Or was it even before that? I needed to eat something as soon as possible. No matter what it was. No matter when. Just soon. 

But I remembered I had no money left. I nearly spend all of my money for the flight over here. I landed with just about 50 dollar and I began to regret that Starbucks coffees from the first days. But they were just too good!

This were my fifth week in the United States, I think it was Thursday. I got here for only one designation. Only one thing- ... person I wanted in my life. Nothing else. Ohio were much different than I expected and totally no resemblance to Germany. But i hadn't missed my home. Yet. 

Colombia were so, so beautiful! Not the way I expected too but I think I hadn't thought about the town that much. My only thoughts were headed to josh. Josh and nothing else. To get near him and to find him. To be with him and to stay here forever.   
I had shared my story online on instagram. Some people helped me and told me streets to look for and where they saw him the last time. But yet I had no luck. 

I wasn't hungry enough to eat the trash by now but I knew I would be if I wouldn't eat something today. But how without money?  
The thought about that disgusted me and I nearly began to find myself disgusting. I showered the day before yesterday I think. Missmistyeyed welcomed me in her home, gave me something to eat, a shower and some tips to find josh.

I decided to walk down the street I already stood in. It was filled with shops and cafes and everybody sat inside appreciating some breakfast or maybe brunch. Luckily I wasn't much of a breakfast person. So my hunger yet were able to hold in but I knew as soon as it'd come to night my stomach would implode.

My muscles began to cool down again and I pulled my jacket nearer to my body and pressed it on me. The spring wasn't that warm. Was it always like that in Ohio?   
Birds flew above me. Some pigeons got down to pick up some small crumbs laying on the ground. I focused on their "gurrr gurrr" they made. Did Americans say "gurr gurr" too? Like they said "meow" and Germans said "miau". I wondered about that for a while, like it was the only problem in this world. 

I pulled my phone out, checking all the comments and messages. Of course I got some new hater. Yes! But that didn't matter for me. The help and support I got from the most was everything I needed to get up in the morning and to not collapse totally.   
I opened the story and recorded a video: 

"Hey frens! I'm here. Still. ... Still alive. I just woke up and now I'm searching around for some food. Maybe I'll find some. Wish me luck!"  
Uploaded. 

I exhaled hardly. Looking around again. I checked the clock: 11 am.   
"Fuck", I quietly said and put my hand in my pocket. I pulled out a few cents. Not much. It definitely were under one dollar. 

What were I able to buy with ... about 80 cents? Nearly nothing. Maybe a gum. I would totally swallow it all at one, no matter what. 

As I walked by I realized I were getting nearer the river. I felt the depression striking again. Again there were no way to fight against it. Again the suicidal thoughts drove through my head. Again I felt like I would never reach it. Never at least see josh for one second. 

I thought about the concert. November the 9th in Düsseldorf, Germany. The happiest 2 hours in my life. For this time I thought about nothing. Nothing than josh. Nothing than the moment. The moment I lived in and I never wanted to stop. I remember how I jumped around, laughing and crying. Tyler's words "until then ... I know where you stand, silent in the trees". The last song he sang for us. How we all screamed a rhythm "josh josh josh josh!" And Tyler got in with "the song Is called josh dun and will be on iTunes". How you were totally able to feel this connection between the two guys and how I looked at my best friend. Anita. I was 20 years old and i finally had a best friend I could totally believe in. I knew she were always behind me. Helped me through my depression and anxiety. Through everything.   
I saw her standing next to me, eyes closed, singing along. How tears of happiness filled my eyes. 

And I missed her. I missed her a lot. She wanted to come with me but I stopped her. Because I always knew how this would end if I would not find josh. If he would feel nothing. 

You'll never make it.   
What where you thinking?   
That you'd get here, see him and he'd fall in love with you immediately?  
You never got anything you wanted.   
And even if you'd stay in the United States you'd never be happy.   
Never. 

I squeezed my noses bridge and looked at the phone in my left hand. I thought about uploading another video. Asking for help. But I did not. 

I just walked around randomly. Checking snapchat and twitter nearly every second. But josh hadn't uploaded anything yet.

The time just flew by. My gluts hurt and my stomach felt like an empty ballon. Just as small as a ballon not blown up. 

As I walked along I recorded another video for my story:  
"Well I'm ... I'm heading towards the river and I think I'll ... I think I'll end it here."  
Deleted. 

I exhaled. I held my head and stroke through my hair. I felt the small knots in my hair and tried to unwrap them with my hands. I thought about nothing. Just saw the bridge and decided to go another way.   
While dragging the knots out passive aggressively with one hand I opened the maps app on my phone and looked at it. A small park popped up and I decided to get there. 

The sun felt so warm but the breezes nearly got my nose frozen. I jiggled my nose to check if my septum piercing was still in place. My nose ran and I pulled out a tissue. The last one. 'What if I'll not find him today?', I asked myself. 'What if?'   
Well i thought about a way after that. I had thought about this before. And I guess, the thoughts got nicer nearly every hour passing by. 

I sat down a park bench. 'Can you eat leaves?', I thought about how we ate some during a ride when I were smaller. A bush looked like the ones we ate back then so I ripped off a few leaves, rubbed them on my pants and sticked them in my mouth, trying to think about a delicious salad. I did not care if they were eatable or not. If I'd die now it would be fine. But they didn't really taste and I split them and threw the rest away. 'Blah!'

I realized my phone were about to die soon. 19% battery. Not much. But enough to upload some last videos. I could have tried searching for a nice stranger which could hand me his cable to load my phone but I thought there were no one this kind to do that. I decided to upload only one update then put it back in my pocket and save my rest battery. 

I made a photo of one of the leaves in my hand and wrote "not tasty".   
Uploaded. 

To check snapchat or not to check snapchat? I wiggled sideways but I got up and walked in circles instead. 

Trying to find josh everywhere would not make sense. I would only get more down and I should definitely save the last power I had.   
I looked at the ground and watched the animals running around. I immediately thought about my biggest fears - spiders, especially the black widow. Luckily I hadn't seen one over here yet. I don't know who would die when I would see one - me or the spider. 

The dusk painted the sky nicely red. Nearly ruby. Was it really that late again?  
I filmed my legs and foots with boomerang and put "can't do this anymore" over.   
Uploaded. 

As I walked around the park randomly I began to rethink every moment I had in the United States. Landing in Columbus, watching Josh's snapchat stories, standing in front of a building where they played when I had no money to get in, the friends I made ... and all the break downs I had. All the moments when I wanted to end it. When I tried to end all of this. Yet I hadn't felt this down as I felt now. Would I get up again? Would I make it? 

I knew josh were in Columbus because he yesterday uploaded a video to his instagram story where I saw a building I had seen before. But I had no idea where this building was anymore. 

It began to get colder. I felt my hands freezing and I wrapped me in the blanket. I still walked in the park. Some people took a last walk with their dogs, some played with them. But other people seemed mysterious for me. Somehow creepy which only helped me freezing more and more. Walking a bit faster I tried to warm up. But it did not really help. I jumped up and down a few times. My skin got cold and i remembered how nearly warm it was this morning. How the sun petted my cheeks. I missed that now. 

It began to snow a little bit and my phone got a notification: "joshuadun just uploaded a video". It were a boomerang video of him trying to catch some snowflakes. I knew he were alone because he tried to film himself and I saw no one else.   
Should I try find him? It were too dark to find out where he was. He wasn't far, I mean we definitely were in the same town. Were we? But Columbus is big and I am small. 

Walking around the park hadn't warmed me so far. I think I nearly began to walk the third round and the creepy people hadn't got any less, it felt like they got more and more instead. Were they dealing? Like drugs? Or what ... for a very short moment I thought about trying drugs too. I never had before and I think I never will. And that is good. Drugs and alcohol? Not for me. 

I got scared a stranger could come to me and talk to me. Touch me. Rape me. This were no safe place. Not for a woman. So I left the park and walked through the town again. Starbucks. McDonald's.   
I would've killed to get something from those restaurants.

I reached the bridge again. And when I saw it i thought about ending it all again. I sat down on the side of the bridge. Cars were flashing behind me but I did not care. 

"I will never get to josh. No matter what. And I'll never be ... be with him. So this is my stories end and I'm happy you shared it with me. I'm thankful for everyone of you."  
Deleted. 

I exhaled hardly and made a weird voice while. I looked in the distance. 

I filmed the water. (Love you)   
Uploaded.   
14% battery. 

Thought about what I could Film next and if I should wait or what to do. The only thoughts in my head were 'jump off' ... 'jump off the bridge'. I looked around randomly. Not that I searched for something. I just tried ... to find something to hold on. To not let me kill myself yet. But there were nothing. Nothing to stop me from this. Of course all my followers which wrote me not to do it. And I got scared someone could search for me and take me away. But somehow this were the only way for me. 

What should I do here? I always wanted to become a tattoo artist. Where should I stay? I somehow imagined all of this different. Not that I expected to find josh on the first day. But a little quicker I guess.   
Even if someone would gave me a job. I would never have enough money for an apartment. Never enough to eat.   
No way. 

I took a picture of the bridge sideways and wrote "I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead".   
Uploaded. 

I filmed my feet above the waves. "Goodbye. Xoxo"   
Uploaded. 

For some moments I just sat there, watching the water, the cars, the lights of the town. 

I got scared someone would stop his car and come over to me. Or maybe someone would call the cops. So if I really wanted to do this now, it had to be soon. 

Somehow I still doubted. Doubted on me and what I wanted to do. Positive thoughts? Not with me. I hadn't thought 'maybe tomorrow you'll get to him' or 'what if he would love you and you're dead?' Nope. Not with me. I never ever were able to think positive. Never were. 

And so I weren't able this time. There were nothing to stop me. Nothing to get me away from here. 

So I stood up. Laid my stuff on the ground and breathed in slowly. I closed my eyes, waited for a few moments to pass by and the gravity to pull me down as I laid forward.

Somehow I still weren't able to do it. Somehow something told me 'not yet'.   
I cried a bit. I whimpered. I totally pitied myself. I were so down. 

I pulled my phone out and deleted all the last posts. I ignored all the messages and comments. I hadn't checked who watched my videos since a long time. And somehow I didn't care. 

With all my things I carried through my journey I left the bridge. This time in the different way. I walked along some baseball fields, some houses built in weird symmetrical lines until I nearly entered a cemetery and totally panicked. Breathing heavily I decided to walk another way as fast as possible and go in the towns center again. 

When I wanted to open the map again I saw a new photo in my timeline. A girl with josh. And she wrote "met josh in a small gift shop in Columbus..." and I totally knew where this was. 

Should I go and search for him now or what? Try to kill myself once again? Jump in front of a car... try to jump down the bridge once again.   
Days ago I would've ran towards him without thinking, without my stuff and everything. Just running. No matter what.   
But now my depressions were too hard. I began to doubt about me, doubt about everything. Doubt about josh. 

I had ended caring for myself a long time ago. I never really were a person I would prefer to have in my life or just to know. I totally disliked myself. For years. 

I thought about me. How much I hated myself and how I always tried to change me. And how I did. Several times. But no matter what I did, people never liked me and I never did. 

But this time I decided to change that. 

So I pushed all my stuff on my body and ran through the town. I hoped he still were there and the girl did not wait too long till she uploaded the picture. 

Somehow this shop were farer than I remembered but the adrenaline in my blood made me stronger and I just ran and ran without stopping. When I looked at my phone and the picture I felt how cold it was and with 9% battery left my phone died.   
"No!", I screamed loud and ran faster. I wanted to throw my phone away but well ... I did not. 

I really wanted to stop, make a break, breath slowly but I knew when I did that I would not be able to run this fast again. Houses rushed by, cars and people. And sooooo many restaurants. Was it because of my hunger or where there a restaurant or cafe in nearly every corner?

I felt my pulse on my throat. How my veins pumped blood through my body and how my lungs were totally empty when I exhaled. 

And yes, it were still snowing. Snow everywhere. Yet it weren't cold enough for the snow to keep laying. As soon as it touched the ground the white points melted. And I thought about how lucky I was, because now I finally weren't freezing and shivering anymore. 

I reached the shop and saw josh wasn't there anymore. 'Too late', I thought. I were too slow. All of this. For nothing. Luck never were with me. Never. I sat down on the cold and snowy ground and cried. I nearly couldn't breathe. Silently.   
I sobbed and looked around, wiping the tears with my sleeve. 'Why didn't I just jump off that bridge? What stopped me?' I wished I had just jumped and ended it all earlier so I would never had this disappointment and I had never cried. Because of nothing.   
I looked at the black screen of my phone again. No hints and no clues. Nothing to help me. 

The only direction I knew were now the bridge or at least the river. I could get there and finally jump.   
To end all my sorrow and all the pain. THE FUCKING PAIN!

Again I remembered the day of the concert. I saw all the lights. The people singing. I saw Tyler in front of me, standing behind his piano. Blue lights on him. The hall silently. Just listening. "We love making music for you", i remembered him saying. He looking at josh. Josh smiling. I nearly felt the vibrations of the loud boxes. I nearly felt the warm light. I closed my eyes. 

People around me. In front of me, behind me, next to me. The stage. All lights on Tyler. Tyler's voice. "Silent in the trees... why won't you speak where I happen to be?"   
Crying and the soft sound of the piano.   
I felt the warm bodies surrounding me. Breathes becoming slower and heavier. Tears running down our cheeks.

I looked inside the shop where I saw a hat and some yellow hair above a stand with some cards. I perked my eyebrows, shook my head and looked again. Nothing. 

Was it something like a Fata Morgana or was that really josh? Should I get up and inside or just sit here, crying?   
As I thought about that someone left the shop. A black jacket, white camouflage pants and yellow hair. Josh. 

I freaked out but I didn't stand up. I looked at him all the time, watched him going to his car and packing stuff in there. When he looked at me I scared and looked at the ground. My breath got faster. Without moving my head I looked up at him again. He still stood there and looked at me.   
Did he really look at me?! Or did he just look in my direction? I pinched my eyes and got up. 

When I nearly got me to go to him he came towards me. My breath stuck and I put my phone in my pocket. "You are!", he said loudly and walked faster and nearer.   
I looked around scared. Was there someone else? Had he meant me??

He stopped in front of me. "You are the stalker girl who just flight in the USA to meet me!", he said and I somehow frightened while tears filled my eyes again. I never thought about it that way. But I was! I was a stalker! A creepy person doing everything to find josh dun!

And he hated me. He would just call the cops and I would die in prison. Maybe because of age or because of suicide. But no matter how, well ... I would die. Someday. An end.   
Nice how I were able to think positive about my depressive thoughts, huh?

I jumped when josh laughed.   
"I saw your last upload", he said and pulled his phone.   
"You deleted it"   
I just stood in front of him with my mouth open.   
"You wanted to kill your self!", he said with a hard undertone again. As I blinked a tear run down my cheek.   
"I tried to search for you ...", he packed his phone in his pocket again. "When I got to the park you weren't there anymore. And my phone died when I looked for you. I just reloaded it in my car and I have no idea what you did then."   
Josh pulled his phone out one more time and repeated his battery "4% left". 

I still hadn't said a word. I just listened to him and when I missed some words it were because I only heard his beautiful voice. 

I imagined how I would pack his cheeks, pull him closer and kiss him. He would smile and we would live happily ever after. 

I wiped the tear and held my phone up.   
"My phone just died too", I said laughing.   
Josh smiled.   
"Wasn't I the one to search for you?", I asked and laid my head sideways.   
Josh laughed a bit. "Well I somehow got scared that you would commit suicide if you'd not find me.", he looked me directly in the eyes. I felt like he just saw inside my soul and he'd hold it and warm it. Some feelings I never knew before. I felt some warmth heating my body from the inside. My souls felt like it were glowing. My heart beat faster. 

"Well I think it's better for you that your phone died and you haven't seen what else I deleted from my story.", I looked away. Ashamed. A few minutes ago I regretted not killing myself and now I somehow was the happiest person on earth. 

And my depression and anxiety said 'HELLO' and I thought:

What if he does not like me?  
What if he would say goodbye now?  
What if this was the first and last time?  
What if he says he's in a relationship?  
What if you got all the way over here, all the time you spend trying to search for him, all the days freezing and starving for nothing?  
What if ... ?!

I looked down on the ground. The place I sat, where I cried. 'Fuck everything', I thought. And again the thoughts about kissing him seemed pretty nice. 

Josh got me out of my thoughts.   
"Do you want to eat something?", he asked while getting down on my height and looking in my eyes. Not that there were a huge difference between us. Only 1 Zentimeter.   
Normal-me would have said no. But I nodded and as soon as I did I got totally perplex. Was that me? 

Josh stood sideways, his left arm reaching towards, guiding me to go first.   
I smiled, nodded slowly and blinked at him. We went to a diner a few meters away. When we sat down the waitress immediately placed some cups in front of us and poured some hot coffee in. 

"Sorry it's not Starbucks", josh said and I laughed. I held my hand in front of my mouth and tried not to laugh loudly. I looked sideways, smiling wide.   
"We could go there!", he said but I refused. "Ach Quatsch! Uh ... I mean nuts! This is totally fine. It's not that Starbucks here's totally different than the ones we have in Germany and I TOTALLY love that!" I rolled my eyes and made an arm move like a bitch. But just for joking. "We can!!", josh said a bit louder again but I laughed and tried to explain that it was a joke. 

When the waitress came again I ordered some pancakes and she gave me a look like I were not from this planet. "Uuuhhh... I - I can order something else. Um ... the French toast then?", I muttered. She looked at josh, who laughed. "No you can order it.", she said and wrote down Josh's order, a Caesar salad, and left.   
"Was that wrong?", I asked and I felt my cheeks blushing. My head warmed and I tried to hide it with my hands.   
Josh smiled. "No pancakes are just so typical breakfast here."   
"I'm abnormal", I said and smiled back at him. He just hunched his shoulders. 

We stayed like this for a short moment, then josh leaned forward, nearer me, crossed his arms in front of him, took a deep breath and said:   
"Sooooooo...." 

So when are you leaving?  
So what's your plan b?  
So I think I have no feelings for you...  
So you ugly bitch thought I'd like you?

I panicked a bit but tried to keep cool.   
"... what will you do, now you've found me?"  
I felt a shiver running down my back. Oh god I had no answer. All the times I dreamed about this moment. All the conversations I planned. And now. Just emptiness. 

After a while I tried to say something funny, "ask you to load my phone?" And josh laughed. I smiled too.   
"I promise I will", he said and the waitress bought us our food. I got double thankful because she got me out of this situation and FOOD! Finally!

I thought about all manners I knew and tried to show the best side I ever had. I ate slowly, cut only small pieces, spoke without my mouth filled, ...  
I think I did pretty well. 

Every time josh smiled my heart warmed. I felt a feeling inside my belly I never knew before. Every time he looked at me, my eyes - I melt.   
"Josh I love your smile", I said when he just put some last leaves in his mouth. He held his hand before, looked at me with wide opened eyes and shook his head. "Mh-mh!"  
I smiled and when he swallowed he said "I really like your eyes". And I copied him: "mh-mh!", I said and laughed, looking away. Josh smiled at me too and I got nervous.   
Did he like me or was he about to break my heart later? Or had I just began to get totally crazy? I realized how I knit my eyebrows and tried to look normal quickly, not letting josh know. 

Blessedly he had looked outside the window and I were safe. His eyes got in my direction again and he asked:  
"How long have you been here now?" With a hard undertone like he nearly broke his head with thinking about it, he squished his eyes and looked at me.   
"Five weeks I think. I nearly can't remember anymore...", I looked down at my hands. "All I know I haven't eaten for days and those were the best pancakes in the world!"  
Josh smiled.   
"Thank you for that, Joshua", I smiled a bit and he did too.  
"Josh", he said and I nodded slowly. 

I were allowed to call Joshua William dun by his nickname. His fucking nickname.   
I couldn't be happier. 

"I nearly jumped off a bridge ...", I confessed. I never were able to lie to someone who meant something for me and somehow not telling me felt like lying.   
Josh's mouth moved. He pulled one side up and looked ... touched, kind of concerned. 

I tried to tell him how I felt and that I needed to tell him and that he hadn't to answer me. I just had to say this. 

"But hey I'm alive. And it's not the first time YOUR music rescued me.", I smiled at him, trying to cheer him up and get those negativeness out of the way.   
"Is music that important for you?", he asked. 

I had to think about that for a moment. Music weren't everything. It was true, it were a big thing in my life for this moment ... but there were other things ... more important things in life. 

"Umm ... I think the answer's yes but music's not everything for me, if you understand?" And josh did. I weren't making music like he did. Music had another part in life for me. 

With his head he made a fast move towards the door and I nodded smiling.   
Josh paid the bill and we got outside. 

The snow had covered the world in white. I shook and pulled my jacket nearer. Josh saw that and gave me his jacket. I smiled. 

"Josh?", I asked as we were going towards his car. He turned around and we stopped walking. He stood in front of me and I looked at him. From his feet up to his eyes. I just looked at them for a moment. 

Why had I called him? What told me to stop us? Everything were ok ... why had I been breaking this now?   
And what to do now?

I don't know what drove me but I got on my toe tips and kissed josh. Directly on his lips. 

I had my eyes closed and when I got back and opened them again I expected nearly everything.   
A hit. Swearing. Pushing.  
I thought about him just walking away.   
I nearly saw him yelling at me. 

"I'm sorry", I said and held my hands in front of my body. But josh smiled, retained me and kissed me. I looked at him but he had his eyes closed so I did too. I felt his warm body on my hands. His muscles. I moved them only a bit so I had both of them at his sides. His waist. I felt his bones. The line running down to his strode. His warm lips on mine. His nose were touching my cheeks.   
I tried to figure out where his hands were. I felt them running up my waistline towards my rips. His hands warmed my body inside. They warmed everything inside me. My skin, my blood, up to my heart and my soul. As he exhaled I realized even his breath were warm. 

I were the first one pulling my head away and I looked him in the eyes. I smiled and looked at his lips. I thought about everything what could happen now. 

And I pressed my lips against his again because I were scared of everything what could've happened now.   
Kissing him again and again. And he joined. I touched his jawbone, stroke through his hair and I had no idea what his hands were doing now. 

His breath got harder and faster. I smiled while kissing him and I pushed my lips on his more and more. Josh grabbed my waist with both hands and pulled my body hardly on his. I wrapped my arms around his neck, then I let my hands glide down his body. His chest. His rips. I drove them nearly along his penis but I did not touch it. Josh exhaled with a small moan. 

He began to walk backwards and I first thought about ending the kissing but josh always kissed me again when I tried to get away. While walking slowly I opened my eyes a tiny bit for a small sight to see where we were going. Josh opened his car with one hand, pushed me gently between him and the car and let me slowly fall inside. 

I laid sideways on my back on both seats in the front. Josh grabbed my back and pushed it up, then laid his hands underneath the hallow of my knees and pulled me up and sat me down on the passengers seat. He then got in standing in front of me and closed the door. During that we were kissing all the time and I held his collar to support myself. 

With a fast move, josh packed me, sat down on the seat I were sitting on and let me gently sink down on his lap. 

I smiled, josh bit my lip carefully, his hands were underneath my armpits, holding the top of my rips. I released his collar, wanted to roam his hair but his cap were in the way. I accidentally pushed it up but when I realized, i pushed it down again and we both smiled, while kissing. 

Josh hands glided down my rips, slowly towards my ass but he did not grab it. I moaned, smiled, turned my head backwards a bit and looked at him. Josh sat there, smiling back at me, pinching his eyes and leaning forward to press his lips on mine again. 

We began to kiss harder and wilder with every kiss. I gently opened my mouth a bit wider and poked my tongue out slowly tentatively. Josh joined and we slang our tongues around each other.   
The kiss were perfect. Not too dry and not to wet. 

Josh ended the kiss with pressing his lips hardly on mine so my head leaned a bit backwards. I stayed in this position as he leaned back again, opened my eyes and looked at him. Josh looked at me too. 

For a moment we stayed like this, just a very short moment. He then smiled, packed my waist again, pulled me up, got down and sat on the drivers seat and let me flop down the passengers seat.   
I exhaled all the air left in my lunges. My hands laid on my legs and I just looked forward for a while, then turned my head to look at him. Josh grabbed my backpack which laid in front of me and threw it behind us. 

'So that was it? We could just fuck in the car', I thought. 

"Ok?", he just asked, his hand on the driving wheel, looking at me. And i nodded.   
"To my house?", he already had his hand on the key to start the car.   
"Well I don't have a place, so...", I smiled and he started the car. His radio turned on and loud music filled the vehicle. He smiled and turned the volume down a bit. The car began to roll. 

I frowned, looking at the car radio and asked:   
"What is this?"  
He looked at me for a short moment with a look like 'excuse me?!' Then looked at the road again.   
"Um ...", he said, turned the wheel. For a moment I thought he were driving to the right to stop the car and let me out but he were just driving along the streets.   
"Uh... Blink-182?" He asked me more than he answered. 

"Well have you ever heard of the band 'twenty one pilots'? THAT'S good music!", I said jokingly and he laughed.   
"Just so you know ... I know blink-182 and I like them", I looked at him and smiled. Josh didn't answer, he just smiled along. When I spoke the words I totally regretted them. For me this felt like I wanted to impress josh but that was not true. 

It would have been totally okay if I would die now or if he would kill me or what ever. The moment were perfect. He were. 

Josh drove into a driveway and parked his car. He looked at me, smiled and reached for my backpack. I saw goosebumps on his arm since he was only wearing a t-shirt. We both left the car and josh opened his houses door. I had no idea where we were since it were dark and because I had lived here for five weeks had not meant I knew every single corner in this town. 

Josh opened the door and guided me inside. I took some steps forward, then turned around. He took both jackets I were wearing and hang them on the wardrobe next to us.   
When I turned around I saw the clock. 11 p.m.  
Josh put a charger in a wall socket and looked at me. It took me a moment, then gave him my phone and he charged it.   
"Thank you", I said silently and josh smiled. 

'I love you Joshua William Dun'

I watched him. He went to his refrigerator and got a bottle out. He held the bootle up and looked at me.   
"Uuuh...", I muttered and went over to him. He had a zest smoothie in his hand.   
"Oh I always wanted to try one of these!", I said and josh smiled, opening his refrigerator where I found one tier full oh zest smoothies and juices. I laughed. 

"Which ones the best?"  
"Aaah", josh said like he waited for me to answer this question. He gave me a white juice. "Charcoal lemonade" and I smiled at josh.   
"This were the one I always wanted to order" and josh smiled back.   
"This is the BEST one!!", he enthralled. "Believe me, you'll become addicted."  
"Oh-oh", I said and smiled at him. 

We then opened our bottles, chinked them and drank and oh my god it were good! 

Josh drank it all at once, hit the bottle on the bar and made a happy "aaaaaah". I laughed and josh smiled at me. He peered at the clock and his eyes opened wide.   
"Oh god this late again", he took his empty bottle and threw it in the trash.

"That's late for you? You? The one who twitters at 5 a.m.? Who makes snaps of parties at midnight?", I wanted to ask but I did not. 

 

He walked around his couch table, collecting things like empty bags and stuff. He stood in front of the couch and looked at me.   
"Netflix and chill?", he asked smiling.   
I took my juice bottle and went over to him. 

Josh sat down and I sat next to him with a small distance between. He turned his tv on and started Netflix. 

Looking at me he said: "what you wanna watch?"   
I shrugged my shoulders and looked at his watching list. "You better not ask me. I can't decide what to watch."  
Josh nodded like I told him hundred times before and opened "the ranch". He got up to dimm the lights and sat down again. I had laid my bottle on the couch table. 

Josh laid his arm around me and looked at me.   
"So far?"  
I smiled and slid over to him. He pressed me nearer to him and I laid my head on his shoulder. With his fingers he patted my cheeks softly. I smiled. 

"Ok so ... what have you planned now?", he asked and I turned my head to look at him.

My heart began to beat faster and I felt the blood rushing through my veins.   
"Should I lie or say the truth?", I wasn't joking. I wanted him to say lying was ok even though he were not.   
Josh laughed. "I bet you planned more than just finding me"  
I nodded.   
"Yeah...", I looked at the tv again, then down on my hands.   
"It's just. Well..." I still tried to somehow get me out of this conversation. I heard josh exhaling and reasoned him smiling.

"Well in the best way you'd love me too and everything would be perfect from now. In the baddest way you'd call the cops and ... I don't know..."  
I could've looked at josh but I did not. I felt tears filling my eyes again. Of course I thought about what we would do if I'd find josh but ... somehow everything were different. 

For a moment nothing happened. I broke the silence when I looked at him and asked:  
"Josh?" He nodded.  
I wanted to ask him to update my story but as soon as I were ready to ask the question seemed stupid for me.   
I looked at his eyes. His dark brown eyes which looked at mine. 

What do to now? How to get out of this situation? Kiss him? What do ask instead?  
And why the hell had I done this several times?!

I smiled.   
"Thank you"  
Josh perked one eyebrow.   
"Thank you for finding me. Thank you for getting me here. Thank you for everything ..." I looked down and added silently "for saving me"  
"Oh god no!", he pulled me nearer. Smiling. 

We watched "the ranch" nearly to the end of the first season when I began to fall asleep a few times. I tried hardly to stay awake. Josh realized, turned the tv off and got up.   
"I can sleep here...", I said tired when I fell down to the side where josh were just sitting. 

"Oh no", josh laughed. "Never"  
I opened my eyes and looked at him sadly.  
"Oh yes?", I said and pinched. 

Josh shook his head hardly and crossed his arms like a little child. I laughed and turned around to lay on my back.   
"You see?", I cuddled myself in the couch. "I'm already sleeping here. Can't get up anymore" I pressed my eyes together, took a short glaze to josh, saw him still standing in front of me, and pressed my eyes close again. 

For a moment nothing happened.   
"I have a really cuddly bed upstairs, y'know?", josh smiled.   
"That's pretty nice for you" I turned, stretched and smiled at him.   
"Don't you want to sleep in a cozy bed?", his eyebrows had risen again. I shook my head.   
"A couch'a enough.", I relaxed my eyes and released them from the hard muscles from pushing them close. 

Josh just looked at me and he weren't able to hold a smile in anymore.   
"I won't get you sleeping upstairs?" And I nodded. He exhaled. 

Josh brought me a really soft blanked and a few more pillows.   
The cutest thing he sad this day were the late "goodnight" 

I knew my phone were loading and I knew josh were sleeping upstairs. Everything were perfect. 

Perfect.


	2. Chapter 2

The light from outside woke me. But this time there were no cold breezes, no strangers, no loud vehicles. Nothing, just me, laying in the warm cozy bed. 

THE BED?!

I rushed up so fast I got dizzy. For a moment everything moved. But yeah ... I laid in a bed. In Josh duns bed? Did all of this really happen? Or was it all a dream? And what if it were a dream? What of it were dreamed? Meeting josh? Flying in the USA?

I looked around, searching for my clothes. A pullover and pants laid next to the bed. I looked outside the window on my left. White, everything were white. So the snow where real. But what else?

I got up and stumbled outside the room. Through a small floor I got on a level with stairs next to me. I looked down. 

Okay so I really were in josh duns house.   
I really laid in josh duns bed.   
I really kissed josh dun.  
Had I?

At-the-moment-me would run down and maybe cuddle josh or something, but normal-me would just wait here until josh would wake up and since I hated myself so much at the moment I sat down and waited. 

I just sat there for a moment, then I looked as down as I could, where my phone used to lay but it did not.   
So I got up, searched for the bedroom where I found my phone. Then I got back and sat down at the top of the stairs again. 

I unlocked my phone and checked instagram and twitter. Nothing new from josh and the crew.   
I answered to all my followers which had written me when I had the Suizide attack and told them I was ok and alive. 

I yet told no one I were with josh. I had no idea if this were okay for him or not and I didn't wanted to fuck up at the first day. 

I waited a long time, checking all the news, searching for some new josh pics, putting some new josh videos to my saved instas and bit my lip every time i saw a pic of josh topless. All of that till josh woke up. He stretched, yawned and mumbled. 

"Good morning you ... heiße Schnitte"  
Josh jumped a bit and searched for me. When he saw me he smiled.   
"I am what?"   
"A heiße Schnitte, uh ... a hottie"   
Josh exhaled and smiled, making a laughing noise while streaming the air out of his lungs. 

And I immediately felt cheap. Why had I said that? Why were I always doing this? Saying something I totally regretted the next moment. Gosh, why were I always making it hard on my own. 

"Cozy bed huh?", he asked and smiled charmingly without looking at me.   
"Ha-ha!", i said and smiled too. 

Josh just laughed and stretched.   
I tried to force back the smile because somehow I were a little pissed. 

I asked josh if it were okay for him if I'd take a shower and he showed me the master bathroom but I denied taking his bathroom when I just slept in his bed but josh insisted and so I took the maybe best shower in my whole life. 

When I left the shower I dried myself, wrapped the towel around me and just stood there for a moment. Should I dry my hair or not? I'd have wet hair the whole day if I'd not dry it. So I looked around, searching for a hair dryer. I did not want to look inside the cupboards but while looking super sketchy I had not found a hairdryer yet. 

To ask josh or not? Again I thought about having wet hair the whole day, so I opened the door a called for josh. When he said that he'd came I closed the door not totally, only till a small gap left. 

Josh stumbled inside. He stood behind me, eyes opened wide.   
"Sorry!", he called, waved his arms and left the room backwards.   
"No I'm sorry it's my fault. I left the door open", I pulled him back inside.   
"Not that I have anything you haven't seen before. And well...", I looked down my body. "There isn't much to see"  
I smiled at josh. He looked at me.   
"You don't know what I've seen yet", his answer irritated me and I looked at him shocked.  
"Uh...", I muttered. Hundreds of questions ran through my brain.   
"You're Joshua William Dun, drummer of the band twenty one pilots, I think you've seen nearly EVERYTHING!"  
Josh just pulled his shoulders up and leaned his head sideways. 

That made me just more confused. I mean ...   
WHAT? What does that mean??! What HAD he seen?

He showed me the hair dryer and left again. I blow dried my hair, then put my clothes back on. 

When I left the room I heard drums through the hallway. I searched for josh and found him in a room, sitting behind his drums and playing.   
I leaned in the doorframe, crossed my arms and watched him for a while. 

While stalking him again I thought about how I always marveled at josh for playing the drums this good! I even had veneration for him for only playing the drums, like I never were able to play only one rhythm. And he ... he were just so perfect. 

I looked at his body. He sat there wearing a tank top and long pants. I saw sweat drops running down his neck. He drummed so heard, while exhaling he sometimes groaned a bit. I felt the vibrations running through the house, touching me through the door frame. 

He still hadn't noticed me. 

I could have watched him for ever. I never wanted to see something else again, just josh. 

He hit the drums hard once again, leaned forward and stopped. Josh took a towel next to him and dabbed the sweat off his face and neck. He turned around, saw me and smiled. 

"Wanna play too?"  
I laughed and shook the head. "Uh-uh"  
Josh laid the towel on his shoulder, took the drumsticks, got up his seat and stood next to his drums. 

"Never, josh", I said. I where still standing in the doorframe with my arms crossed. He came towards me, packed one arm and pulled me over to the drums. He pushed me down the seat and handed me the sticks. 

Josh took a seat and sat down behind me. He laid his arms under mine, grabbed my hands and hit the drums a few times. 

I laughed, looked over my shoulder at him. He smiled at me and kissed my lips. He stopped playing and started patting my hands.   
I turned around to kiss him better and slang my arms around his neck. 

Josh lost his balance and with a loud bang he fell down the chair, pulling me down too. He fell on his back and i laid on him. 

Josh put his hands under my shirt and pulled it up a bit. I smiled and tried to pat his waist while stabilizing myself with one hand.   
I gently stroke his muscles. Every single muscles by itself. One after the other. 

I felt the strong muscles on his belly, forming lines towards his belly button. The thin gaps between every muscle. I ran my fingertips through them. 

While I sat on him I felt something becoming harder between our legs. His penis pulses while blood ran towards his genitals. Every time it got up I moaned a bit, silently. 

I somehow began to get a feeling inside my stomach. Something I never felt before. Like all the please, all the lust mustered up in my bodies center. 

I pushed my lips on his, harder and harder. I stroke through his hair, let my hands glide down his neck. His strong neck. 

Josh pulled my shirt up more and more, let his hands slide down my sides and up again. Through my shirts hole he laid his hands on my cheeks and pulled my head nearer his while he pushed his lower body up for a short moment. 

I pushed the air out my nose hardly and began to breathe heavily. 

I felt josh smiling while he kissed me along. He packed my neck and squished it gently. His other hand still patted my naked skin on my belly. His hands got up towards my breasts and gently stroke between them. I felt the soft skin of his hand on my heart. 

Josh began to kiss faster and harder and I did too. I let my hand glide down to his belt and tried to open it and when I did, josh grabbed my waist, pulled me up and sat me down so he got up. He smiled at me and leaned me his hand. 

'What the...?', I thought. Why were he doing this all the time?  
What were I doing wrong? Was it because of me? What else could it be?   
It must had been me.   
Yeah it must had been ... me. 

I reached for his hand and josh pulled me up.   
It were 11 o'clock and just because of his well manners he asked me for breakfast and I told him I never ate breakfast. We decided to make something for lunch on our own. I told josh that I loved pasta and so we made some pasta. 

Josh had three pasta sauces in his refrigerator and we both set down to eat. 

"What have you told your followers?", he asked and I were so ready for this question.   
"Nothing yet. Only that I'm alive. Not where I am and nothing else. I had no idea if this were ok for you."  
"That's good. I think we'd better wait for anyone to know."

Of course that were not what I wanted to hear but josh were right. If anyone would know this would go totally viral. 

So we decided whatever were going on between us better not to tell anyone yet. 

Josh told me that he wanted to go to a party with brad and Marc this night. I told him it were ok for me to go somewhere else instead or I don't know but he invited me.   
He wanted to introduce me as his friend. Nothing more and nothing less. 

I really wanted to ask josh what I were doing all the time. What I were doing wrong. I had no doubt anymore - it must had been me. 

But every time I wanted to ask him something stopped me. Of course there were many opportunities, we were alone and we were just talking nicely. 

But I wasn't ready. I did not want to say something wrong. I did not want to fuck yo at the first day. 

So I kept my mouth closed. Like I always did.   
Keeping everything inside till it would eat me from the inside. 

Before the party started we bought some new clothes for me and a dress for the night. 

We came 30 minutes later than we should and brad and Marc were kind of annoyed when we arrived. 

"Josh seriously why are you always letting us wait?", Marc said with a pissed undertone.  
Josh just shrugged his shoulders. "You know me"  
He turned around, pushed me and said:  
"This is miriam. A friend."  
Both welcomed me then we entered the location. 

It were a club, filled with so many people I could barely breath. A bodyguard helped us to find our table where we sat down. 

The music were so loud I weren't able to hear a single word josh and Marc were talking. So I just sat there and watched the people dancing. 

The bass drummed through the furniture inside my body. My heartbeat began to synchronize. We sat just next to the dance floor where so many you people danced. They were all in our age. 

Most of the dancers were woman and they were all so beautiful. This had been the first thing I noticed when I landed in the USA - everybody is so damn beautiful! 

I watched woman dancing. How their bodies moved. How their hair flew. 

It went like this for a while, till josh pinched me and asked:  
"U ok?" And I nodded.   
Josh gave me a look like he weren't believing me.   
"I'm sorry I'm just understanding nearly nothing!", I screamed in Josh's ear and he made a understanding "aaaah".   
Josh looked away and kept talking to Brad again. 

Underneath the table I felt someone's hand touching my knee. I shocked for a short moment, thought about moving my knee, then realized that the only one who were able to touch my legs were josh. So I did nothing and tried to act normal. 

Josh were now talking with brad. I just understood a few words and rhymed myself that they were talking about the Grammys 2017 and another music video. 

Josh leaned forward to hear brad better and so they hadn't to yell through the whole club. While that his hand slowly slid up my leg towards my belly - better said towards my vagina. He weren't touching it, his hands just slid around and near it. He touched my knee, leg and the area around my vagina again and again. 

For a moment I thought about pushing his hand away since he were bothering me all the time but I did not. 

I looked at josh. I just saw him smiling and his mouth opening and closing, talking. I understood nothing. Marc had joined the conversation. 

Every time josh touched my bare skin I got goosebumps. I tried to slip nearer him without anybody noticing. Josh looked at me and smiled. His eyes closed a bit. Then he looked away again. 

He played with the bottom of my dress, twisted it in his fingers, rolled it up a few times. 

Marc, who sat in the face of me, looked at me and asked: "so where are you from?" 

Okay should I lie or not? Josh and I never talked about it that clearly. I knew that I'd need to lie at a point. But when?

"Germany", I smiled. Josh grabbed my leg and pressed it. Was that wrong?  
"Germany?", Marc repeated surprised. I nodded.   
"I tried to start over here", I tried to say something right since josh kept pressing my leg and it felt like dying. 

"Start over?", Marc asked and I wondered if he'd repeat everything I'd say this night.   
"Um well ... my life in Germany wasn't that ... nice, I guess? And I always wanted to live in the USA, ... so here I am", Josh's pressing got a little less.   
"And how'd you met josh?", when Marc said that my heart fell down to the ground. Josh pressed my leg so hard I weren't able to think clear.   
"I met him at a gift shop ... a few days ago ... and we kept writing since." I had no idea if this were okay. I had to make some pauses because I nearly weren't able to breathe anymore caused by the pain but somehow josh could've said something too if what i said weren't ok. 

Josh released my leg. His hand still laid on it like he were waiting for me to say something wrong again. He began so slide it down and up once more. 

"Uuuuh so you're writing since you've met?", Marc asked smiling and looked at josh. Josh poked his tongue out, gave Marc a short look, then kept talking with brad. 

"How about some drinks?", brad's voice bassed. I nodded heavily.   
"What do you want? Brad and i can get the drinks.", Marc looked in my eyes and handed me the menu.   
"Just some soda", I did not take the card.   
Josh looked at me. I think he pinched his eyes. He leaned over to brad and said:   
"Give her something spirited"  
"I heard that!", I called and looked at josh madly. I began to smile. He turned his head to see me, rose one eyebrow and one corner of the mouth. 

Brad and Marc left, getting our drinks.   
When we weren't able to see them anymore, josh leaned over, grabbed my cheeks and kissed me. He pressed his lips hardly on mine.   
'What the fuck??', I really wanted to ask but I had no idea of the consequences.   
So I just smiled at him, when he unhanded me. He sat back like nothing happened and pulled his phone out. I said nothing. 

I glanced over to see what he were doing. He wrote with Tyler via iMessage and i decided to look away since this were nothing for my eyes. 

Brad and Marc came back. I looked in Marc's eyes when he stood a cocktail in front of me and he gave me a look I immediately understand. 'Without alcohol'

Josh put his phone back in his pocket. I remember josh drinking cola. No idea if he had whisky or something in it or not. But I remember him saying both, Tyler and him, don't drink Alkohol and don't do drugs. So I think it were just cola.

This time Marc looked at the dancing woman. Brad and Josh began to argument. 

It took a moment till Marc looked at josh again:  
"So you're just friends right?"  
Josh nodded.   
"Well then you wouldn't mind if miriam and I would dance now"  
And Marc got up, stood next to me, put his hand out and asked:  
"Shall we dance?"

No. I really not wanted to dance. But brad and josh looked at me. I looked at both, then at Marc. And I said "yes"  
I reached for Marc's hand and we went to the dance floor.   
No room for us left so we just stood at the outside of the crowd and began to dance. 

I laughed and I knew my face became red again. But I did not care. I wanted josh to look at me and make him jealous.   
So I danced. Marc danced weird and since I had never been a good dancer I did too. I just moved my body somehow. We both laughed. 

I looked at josh but he kept talking to brad. He just did not care. I pulled Marc over and danced nearer. Josh did not look. 

With my ass I accidentally bumped someone behind me. I turned around fast and looked in a girls face. She were about my age. We both laughed, then just stood in front of each other for a moment. She were so beautiful. Light green eyes and dark hair. 

She laid her arms around my neck and got closer. She moved her waist to the musics rhythm. And I did too. Our legs touched several times. She were so close I laid my forehead on hers.   
With my arms on her waist I moved her so josh were able to see us. I turned around and moved my body in front of her. Down and up again. 

I glazed over to josh for a second. He looked. Okay all of the boys were looking. Marc had sat down again. 

She packed my waist with both hands and dragged me nearer. My whole back touched her body. I laid my arms around her head, striking through her hair. Black strands of hair laid on my shoulders. I felt her breath on my ear. She moved her hands up towards my breasts and I smiled. 

I turned again to see her face. She smiled at me too and I grabbed her upper rips. She had laid her arms on my waist, gliding towards my ass and squishing it. I grabbed the back of her head. Our bodies were so close I felt our breasts and legs touching. 

When I looked at our table again, josh had disappeared. I stopped. 

"I'm sorry I gotta go", I yelled at her. She nodded, smiled and I went to the boys and sat down. 

"Where's josh?", I asked, breathing heavily. I sipped on my drink and looked at both boys.   
"Umm", both muttered.   
"I think he went to the bathroom", brad said then. 

Awesome. Did I do wrong? Was it too much? 

We waited over half an hour till josh came back.   
"Okay I think I'm leaving", he said, standing in front of the table.   
I got up and thanked both for the nice night I had and left the club with josh. 

We talked about nothing while driving home. Only silent filled the car. He hadn't even turned his radio on. 

At home I really wanted to ask him. Really wanted to know if I did wrong. I wanted to talk to him, wanted to know what depressed josh. But he just closed the door and went upstairs.   
I laid on the couch, cuddled myself on the blanket and pillow josh were sleeping in last night. It has his smell still. 

For this night I didn't see him again.


	3. Chapter 3

A loud bang waked me. I had no idea if I dreamed the noise or if it were real. I found myself lying in the warm bed covered in white sheets. Again.   
I spread my arms out and screamed:  
"JO-OOSH!!"

I walked in the bathroom and put my clothes on. After that I ran down the hallway to the stairs. Josh stood behind the bar, in front of his refrigerator. He smiled without looking at me. 

"You could at least sleep in the bed together with me!", I crossed my arms and looked at him.   
His smile got wider.   
"Okay", he said, still not looking at me. He just stared at his phone in his hands. 

He were only wearing a Tshirt and boxer shorts. I bit my lip when I realized. I walked down the stairs and got to him. 

'Are we cool again?', I wanted to ask.   
What happened yesterday?   
Tell me what I did wrong.   
I'm sorry if I provoked you.   
I love you. 

I stood in front of him and looked in his eyes. Josh looked into mine. Then he walked around the bar and stood in front of me. 

And he grabbed my waist, pulled me hard on his body and kissed me. I slang my arms around his neck. And this time we weren't starting with soft kissed. This time we kissed hard and fast from the beginning. 

I pulled josh towards the sofa and he pushed me down on it. I laid my legs around his lower body and kissed him again and again. Josh laid his head sideways and began to kiss me with his tongue.   
I touched his naked skin. I felt the muscles on his back. One hand on his waist and one on his shoulder I dragged him nearer and nearer. 

Every time I ran my hands down his bare skin I moaned. This felt so good! How soft his skin was ... how smooth. 

I tried not to ran my hand up and down again and again. So I grabbed his pants and tried to feel the fabric. 

He laid both hands on my waist and squeezed me. He pressed so hard it began to hurt just when he released me again.   
He banged his lower body on mine. I moaned. Josh smiled. 

I began to breath wildly uncoordinated. Josh's breath got harder. 

Josh pushed his body up with his legs and slid his hands up my body. He pulled my shirt up, stabilized me with one hand on my back, pulled me up and took my shirt off. 

I moaned. Smiled. Josh kissed me again and I tried to release me from his lips and bit his neck. I felt how soft his skin were and kissed the part I had bitten. I gently kissed it again and again. 

Josh began to kiss my neck to. From there he kissed me down my chest, and stopped at my belly button. He looked up to me and I looked him directly in the eyes. Josh smiled. 

He opened my pants and leaned back to pull my pants away and throw it next to the couch. He smiled at me. 

I just laid there, watching him. He leaned over again to kiss me. 

Josh patted my upper leg. I lifted it so it were easier for him to touch it. 

Now only two moves left to finally ...

The door bell rang through the house. Josh looked at me like I were expecting someone. He got up to open the door. 

"Heyyyy... I were near and thought I'd come over!", I knew the voice and it didn't took to long till I realized:   
Tyler. 

Josh had opened the door only a small gap. He turned around and looked at me.   
I collected all my clothes lying around and ran up the stairs in the bedroom. 

"Sure come in!", I heard josh when I entered the room and shut the door halfway. 

I put my clothes back on.   
What do to now?   
Why did this always happen?

This time josh hadn't stopped. We got interrupted.   
So I tried to lean on that and put this time on another list. 

I laid on the floor. Tried to cool down again. Breathing were still hard.   
I sat up and sat near the door. Tried to listen to the guys but I nearly understood nothing. 

I pulled my phone out and checked instagram, twitter, Facebook,...  
It took about over an hour till I were finished with every social media I had on my phone. I only had half of the battery left.   
But yet josh were still talking to Tyler downstairs. 

I opened iMessage and wrote to josh:

"Josh I'm lonely ..."  
Send.   
Delivered. 

I laid the phone back on the ground and only half a minute left I took it back in my hands:

"I'm sorry for what I did last night."

I held in for a moment. Only looking at my phone. The message I was about to send. Should I send it now? Was it too early? Should we really talk about it?

Deleted. 

"I'm sorry that I wanted to make you jealous ..."  
Deleted. 

I wondered if josh would look at his phone. What if Tyler would see the message? What if nobody sees it, Tyler's leaving and Josh's seeing it when I'm with him? What should I say to him?

Fuck it. 

"Im sorry for yesterday night"  
Send.   
Delivered. 

Okay so the cat where in the sack and the cake was eaten, like we would say in Germany. Hatch closed and monkey dead. 

I laid my phone next to me. I really thought about just going downstairs. I could say I were just visiting josh. Or I slept here. Okay not the last one. Okay none of them. Bad idea. 

What if Tyler would leave in the afternoon?  
What if Tyler would leave in the late night?  
What if Tyler wouldn't leave?   
What if Tyler would sleep here?

Shit. Well at least I had my mobile phone.   
11 o'clock. Damn.   
The only thing that could throw me off track were hunger. But well. I had starved for days. So I would be able to live one day without. I guess. 

I opened instagram. Of course the feed had no new pictures in it since the last half hour I looked at it.   
Well I could write anita? But even she shouldn't know where I was.   
Not that I wasn't trusting her. She were one of the few people on this planet I had faith in. But if someone would see the chat...?

I opened snapchat, tried the new filters and sent her some snaps. Then I sat there. Again. Doing nothing. 

I tried to listen to josh and Tyler.   
"Marc told me you brought a girl yesterday night?"  
"Yeah"  
"So?"  
"What so?"  
"You know what I mean..."  
"Nothing. I told them already she's only a friend."  
"A friend."  
"Yeah ty ... a friend."

Whoopsies. Well my heart broke a bit. But I hadn't expected josh to say something else. 

I heard josh saying a loud, long "noooooo", with his voice rising at the end.   
"Josh tell me!"

Okay I had no idea what they were discussing about. I had totally lost the thread. 

Only a few minutes later, josh entered the room. He were totally perplex when he saw me sitting on the ground. 

"Tyler left?", I asked and looked up to him.   
Josh nodded, went to his wardrobe and put clothes on. 

'You could've introduced me as a friend', I thought. This way I would not have had to sit up here for nearly 3 hours. Alone. 

Josh pulled his phone out of his pocket. He looked at it for a moment. I watched his face, waited for an expression telling me he saw my messages. 

He looked at me like he wanted to say something but he did not. I got up and looked at him again. Josh smiled a bit. 

"Josh I-"  
"Do you want to eat something?", he interrupted me, his smile got wider but I knew somehow his smile were faked.   
I held in for a short moment. Pressed my lips. Looked at him.   
"Sure", I tried to say this as happy as possible but the sad undertone weren't easy to blanket. 

"Okay I'll get us something and you wait here. Yeah?", josh smiled turned to be real again and I smiled too, nodding. 

We decided to get something from Taco Bell. Josh wanted to bring me something very special and I first had to tell him about everything I did not eat.   
I think he said "that's kind of a problem ... but I think we can handle it" and left. 

So I were alone. In Josh duns house.   
I really wondered what he kept in all the rooms I hadn't seen yet but I would never look in them. So the only rooms I knew where the master bedroom, bathroom, living room with the kitchen and the room where he had played the drums. 

I entered the last room. Turned around to see what else he stowed in here. Only drums, drumsticks, some posters and I think some props and costumes. 

I sat down in front of the drums and took some drumsticks. I played with them in my hands. Felt the wood. Looked at the colors. 

Then I looked at the drums and hit the bass drum with the feed pedal. I hit it a few times until I found a rhythm. Then hit the floor tom tom with the stick in my left hand and joined with hitting the snare drum with my right hand. 

I tried several times. Lost the rhythm, fretted and tried again. And again. 

"I can teach you if you want"  
I jumped and turned around. Josh stood in the doorframe. It took me a moment to answer.   
"Oh well. You don't need to.", I let my hair fly. "I think I'll become the next best drummer of the year"  
Josh laughed.   
"Pffff I don't think so"

We got down to eat.   
Josh had bought me a doubledilla - steak with chips & salsa. And oh my god it were so good. 

A few times I again wanted to talk with him about yesterday.   
I mean. He read it. He saw it. He knew how I thought about it ...  
... Right?

When we were finished and josh put our dishes in the dishwasher I just did it:  
"Josh I'm really sorry about yesterday"  
He took a zest out of his refrigerator.   
"It's okay"  
"No josh it's not!"  
Josh turned around. He had two different juices in his hands.   
"Which one?", he asked. 

I leaned my head on one hand.   
"Left one", and josh gave me the black lemonade again.   
"Josh I want to make it alright again"  
He sat down next to me.   
"It is alright"

I saw we weren't coming to an end today. He didn't wanted to talk about it. And that were okay. 

I needed to change the topic.   
I had two options: talking about sleeping in one bed or asking him for Tyler. 

"What is Tyler doing at the moment?", I asked and opened the bottle.   
"I think he works on the new video."  
"I want to know more!"  
And josh smiled. "You'll see it sooner or later."

Damn. 

"Okay ...", I said sadly. "But what is he doing right now?"  
Josh looked at me. "Working on the video?"  
I laughed.   
"No I mean like why were he here?"  
"Because he's working on the video"

I smiled at him forced. Nodded short.   
This wasn't going to be a joke. Josh were still a bit upset, I think because of the last thing I wanted to talk about and he denied. 

"So tonight we are sleeping together?", I smiled widely, looked at the bottle in front of me.   
"If you want that", I saw josh smiling too.   
I peered over to him. He had pulled his phone out, looked at it smiling. 

I had no idea if he were expecting an answer. I just said nothing, drank my juice. 

I had so many things running through my head I wanted to ask him. But somehow something said 'not yet' and I knew waiting were better in this point. 

Josh got upstairs and played the drums. I sat in front of the tv, watched through all the shows I never heard about and checked my social medias. 

It were the late evening, about 9 p.m., when josh came back down again.   
"Could you please go up in the bedroom?", he walked away through the floor I hadn't been in yet.   
I bend my eyebrows, watched him leaving. 

I got up and found a black dress lying on the bed. No note. Nothing. 

Okayyyy... 

So I put it on. Watched myself in the mirror and made my hair and put some makeup on. When I were ready I went down and walked the stairs down slowly. 

Josh stood in front of the stairs. He were wearing a suit and I stopped when I saw him. My heart bumped and I smiled. Josh looked up at me. Smiling too. 

When I got to the end he leaned his arm forward and I laid mine in his. I looked in his eyes. 

Josh drove us to a restaurant. A very noble restaurant. He even opened my door when I were about to leave the car. 

A woman showed us our table beside a huge window. Josh ordered us water. 

"What if somebody sees us?", I asked and leaned towards josh.   
"I just hope no one does", he smiled and raised his glass. We clanked them and drank one sip. Well one sip? Josh nearly drank the whole glass. 

"Do ... do we have something to celebrate?", I stood the glass back and looked at josh.   
"Hm no", he said slowly without looking at me. But he played with the bottom off his glass, the only thing he were concentrating to. 

He were kind of surprised when the waitress came back to take out order.   
Josh ordered us a three-course menu. 

We began with corn salad with raspberry-dressing, croutons and feta. I enjoyed every single bite. I just tasted so good.   
The main menu were beef with a thin dark sauce and vegetables.   
And for dessert we had chocolate-lava-cake with vanilla-sauce. 

While eating we were talking about so much. Josh told me a lot about him and Tyler I hadn't known before. Things they hadn't said in interviews. And i were laughing so hard every time the "real josh" came out. When he joked and just kept going like nothing happened. The reasons I loved him so much. And he looked so beautiful. 

"I still can't believe what you were able to do to see me ... I mean ... that you only came over here. For me. That you were homeless for so many weeks and you nearly starved. I'm not that special ...", josh muttered, not looking at me, only looking at his fingers he were wrapping in a napkin. 

"Josh you ... you are everything for me. I would have died for you. Still would. You mean everything. You are special and I think you know", I smiled, grabbed his other hand. He looked in my eyes. 

"Um ... you know ... well my childhood wasn't that easy too. No girl were interested in me ...", josh looked down.   
"I bet they were. You just don't know.", I smiled at him.   
"You went through a lot, too. Didn't you?", he looked up to me. And I nodded.   
"I'll tell you if you want. Just not here.", and josh nodded very short.

We sat there for more than 4 hours. Talked. Laughed. And i began to love him more and more. I knew if he'd brake my heart now it'd fall into millions of pieces. Never able to put together. 

Josh took my hand. He just said a joke I still had to laugh about. I put one hand in front of my mouth to keep my smiling.   
"I really wanted to ask you,..", josh said and waited for a moment. "If you'd like to be my girlfriend?"

I gasped. Did he just really said that? Really? Or were I hallucinating? Were i dead? Buried alive? What the heck was going on?

"What did you just say?", I asked, my eyes wide open. I just looked into his. Without blinking. 

"Um ... if you'd like to be my girlfriend?"  
"Yes, josh! Yes!"

I smiled just like I got engaged or something. Josh smiled too. I were so happy.   
So we officially were girlfriend and boyfriend. 

When we left many people were waiting in front of the restaurant. Men covered in black with big cameras. 

Paparazzi. 

 

"Josh?", I asked kind of scared.   
He turned in front of me. "Cover your eyes please!", the men got nearer, surrounding us.   
And I did. I put my hand in front of my eyes and looked down. Josh looked sideways, searching for his car and pushed us towards it. 

The men came with us. They followed, tried to talk to josh.   
"Josh where's Tyler?"  
"What's the name of the new album?"  
"When will it be released?"

We stumbled inside the car and josh drove away as fast as possible.   
"Sorry I tried to save us from the paparazzo's"  
"It's okay", I were breathing heavily.


End file.
